Thank You, Antonio Cromartie

(and thank you to my cousin, Brendon Willis, for inspiring this idea, even if I took your idea and mutated it into a monster)

I’ve always felt the football fan in me was missing something. I could never figure it out. I tried gambling. It was fun and lucrative until the salary cap era brought along parity and the ability for crap-hounds to cover spreads on any given week. I also have two fantasy football teams that allow for my inner-stat-geek to rise to the surface and not be mocked by other men. My favorite team appeared in their first Super Bowl before I was a teenager and has won three since. I got to watch my favorite player evolve from a cog in a championship winning locomotive to the conductor of the same train. I should have it all. Yet something was missing. I just didn’t know what it was.

But like Neo when he took the red pill, the answer I had been seeking came rushing to me faster than the ground rushed toward Johnny Utah after he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. (Yep. Two Keanu Reeves references in one sentence.)

It's hard to hate a guy who makes

good television, which explains Charlie

Sheen being the highest paid actor on TV

I was missing a team to hate. With the Red Sox, I have the Yankees, with the Celtics, the Lakers, and with UConn basketball, there's Duke. A nemesis is the wasabi to a favorite team's sushi. I tried to hate the Colts, but can anyone really hate Peyton Manning? He’s just so damned dopey looking, and he makes good commercials. Tony Dungy? Too much of a good guy. I also tried the Steelers, but I have too many friends that are Steeler fans and they build their program the right way, with smart drafting and player development. Besides they had Cowher and his mighty chin at the sidelines for so long (before replacing him with Omar Epps. That guy is talented. I loved him in 'Juice'.) I kind of hate the Giants, but that’s only because they like to point out how they ended the Patriots perfect season without admitting that they won it on the flukiest play in the history of the Super Bowl. But, the Pats only play the Giants every four years, so it’s hard to build a good, solid, lasting hatred for them.

Tomlinson, pouting against

the Patriots during the playoffs,

a common pose.

I couldn’t even bring myself to hate the Jets for a long time. I tried. But, mostly, I just felt sorry for them. Here was a team who had to borrow another team’s stadium and take their cast-off fans like the guy who gets stuck with the ugly girl while his buddy hooks up with her hot friend. Even after Rex Ryan came aboard, I had a hard time hating them. Rex is funny. He seems like the perfect dude to go have a steak and a dozen beers with. He’d keep you laughing all night. That is, until he started showing you pictures of his wife’s feet and asking if you wanted to go back to his place. Surely after they acquired Mr. Pouty Face Ladanian Tomlinson I could find a way to hate them, right? Nope. Then came Hard Knocks, and I thought I hated them. Again, I was wrong. How could I not hate them? I just couldn't figure it out. In hindsight, it was like hating Forrest Gump. They just didn't understand what they were. They were convinced that they were an elite team, without the slightest clue what the word elite meant. They were the middle child between their own cities favorite team, the Giants, and a team in their division who was the best in the league, the Patriots.

Then one little response to one little question changed everything.

The question: What kind of guy is (Tom) Brady?

The answer: “An asshole. Fuck him.”

Remember the scenes in the last season of LOST, when each character met their “soulmate” in the alternate reality? Remember the flood of memories that ensued, allowing the person to fully realize their feelings for the other. Well, Antonio Cromartie’s four words above was that moment for me.

Suddenly I saw Gastineau doing his war dance, Irving Fryar fumbling, the Bill Parcells Benedict Arnold turn, Curtis Martin’s symbolic middle finger to the organization, Mo Lewis’ lung-puncturing hit (at the time a big blow, as I was an enormous Drew Bledsoe fan, but, things didn’t turn out so bad with the guy who replaced him), the NFL’s version of Henry Hill, Eric “The Rat” Mangini, the Branch tampering, Spygate, LDT (just because he’s a douche), Rex’s talking trash and calling the Jet fans like a desperate guy trying to get his ex to take him back, the chain gang at wide receiver, jackass Bart Scott, and finally the NFL’s biggest hypocrite, Antonio Cromartie.

The hatred came to light. The part of my life occupied by the NFL (much too big a part if you ask my wife) was now whole. Like Dorothy Boyd did for Jerry McGuire, my hatred of the Jets completed me.

I know they are just words. Hell, they’re not even directed at me, my family or my friends. They’re directed at a human being who, if he read this blog, would probably wonder why the old Atlanta Hawks center is writing about football and The Walking Dead. Perhaps what one stranger says about another stranger shouldn’t incite anger.

But, this is football. And, this is Tom Brady. But, mostly this is Antonio Cromartie. The same Antonio Cromartie that is responsible for the following non-assholish things:

1.       He needed his salary from the Jets FRONTED to him so he could catch up on delinquent paternity payments to the six mothers of his seven children in five different states. (The New York Post actually called the situation a “burden” on Cromartie in this article. A burden. Like he was caring for his brothers and sisters after a horrific crash killed his parents, or something similarly devastating. The dude nailed as much tail as he could, didn’t use protection, and now has to pay for his actions. That’s not a “burden”. That’s responsibility.) Side note: According to Wikipedia, Cromartie has NINE children with EIGHT different mothers. There’s so many illegitimate children, no one can keep track.

2.       And speaking of his kids, does anyone remember the episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the New York Jets, when Cromartie is asked to name his kids? If not, I’ll just spoil it for you. He couldn’t remember them all. Nope. Fantastic dude that he is, couldn’t remember the names of the fruits of his loins. Here’s the video if you need a laugh.

3.       He blamed the food at training camp for his former team, the San Diego Chargers, inability to win a Super Bowl. Not only that, but he broke NFL rules by going to Twitter to voice his complaints while in the middle of a game. Here’s the Tweet. “Man we have 2 have the most nasty food of any team. Damn can we upgrade 4 str8 years the same ish maybe that’s y we can’t we the SB we need.” Keep in mind, this type of agregious offense is the straw that supposedly broke the camel's back when Randy Moss was shipped out of Minnesota, and he did it in front of teammates. Cromartie did it in front of the world.

4.       Oh, and when he became frustrated with the San Diego Chargers and their zone defense, he reportedly “quit” on the team, becoming disinterested. Look at this play. At the 0:26 mark, Cromartie approaches the play from the left (#31), when Shonn Greene (the running back) approaches, Cromartie stands up and lets him go by, showing no effort to make the play. Then, he chases Greene down the field, well out of the play, to give him a cheap shot shove after the touchdown is scored.

But, Tom Brady is an asshole for pointing a finger and shouting.

They are the words of a hypocrite. I hate hypocrites. It shows very little class. Which is exactly what the New York Jets foundation is built on; big mouths, no class.

Look at their coach. As much as I’d like to take pot-shots at Mrs. Rex Ryan’s now infamous videos, I’ll withhold. It's not pertinent and I already made that joke. But, how much class does a man have when he posts foot fetish videos of his own wife? He also mocks other players. Last week, amidst another session of Rex enjoying the sound of his own voice, he commented that Tom Brady didn’t study film as hard as Peyton Manning, and insinuated he relied on his coaches. This is not such a terrible thing to say as much it is an idiotic thing to say. How does Ryan know how much time either guy spends studying video? Last I checked, he was neither coach of the Indianapolis Colts or New England Patriots, nor was he close, personal friends with either quarterback. But, yet, he claims to have intimate knowledge of their study habits. Oh, and this quote also served as an insult to Jim Caldwell and the Colts staff, though after last week's game, it is not undeserved. This is also the guy who gave the finger to Miami Dolphin fans at an MMA event, not even a football game.

Classy, Sal Alosi, classy.

Their strength and conditioning coach very famously tripped a player from the sideline, then denied it, then admitted it when he realized it was the 21^st century and there are video cameras at these games. Then, the team denied that they organized a wall to inhibit these players, called gunners, from being able to get back in bounds. Again, the cameras disagreed. So, the team then said “well, everyone does it.”

Even the often revered (though I can’t stand him) Ladanian Tomlinson has taken to running his mouth, trying on the “nobody believed in us” hat after the Jets Wild Card round win against the Colts. Of course. Nobody believed in the Jets? That’s why Vegas made them one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season. That’s why they were on prime time television so much. That’s why they got so much attention. Because nobody believed in them.

Then there's Bart Scott's reaction to Wes Welker's light-hearted pokes at the aforementioned foot fetish videos. Welker cracks some jokes. Scott responds by saying he's going to end Wes Welker's career. Seems like a perfectly rational and reasonable response. If you're Tommy from 'Goodfellas'.

don't fall for the Rex Ryan spell, Ed.
You're better than that.

Even Jets Superfan #1, Fireman Ed, has fallen into the Rex Ryan's "do whatever you want, it's ok, you're a Jet" philopsophy when he pushed around a Giant fan who dared to steal some of his spotlight during a pre-season game between the two stadium roomies.

And, I won’t even start about the Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes, or camera-mugging types like Happy Feat Jason Taylor. There’s no need.

I’m already complete. I have someone to root against, to swear at, to despise (in the realm of football that is.)

I have the New York Jets.

Thank you Antonio Cromartie. You complete the football me.

I hope Tom Brady rewards you with some choice words as you watch the backs of the Patriot receivers' jerseys streaking for the end zone. Maybe he'll even show you these: